Way too many questions...

Way Too Many Questions

I recon you'll get bored after the first 20, but hey...

Who closes the door after the bus driver gets off the bus?
Why are pizza boxes square when the pizza is round?
What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice" ?
Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?
What do you call a female daddy long legs?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?
In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast?
Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop?
Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?
If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?
Why are SOFTballs hard?
Do vampires get AIDS?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?
Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?
If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?
Can people without hands get a grip?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?
Does a postman deliver his own mail?
Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why dosent a chicken egg taste like chicken?
Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?
Does peanut butter really have butter in it?
Do mimes watch silent movies?
Is the fear of flying groundless?
Why do people say "You scared the living daylights out of me" when daylight is not living?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up "there" anyway?
If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing?
Why are boxing rings square?
Why is it called pineapple, when's there neither pine nor apple in it?
Why is it called eggplant, when there's no egg in it?
Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do birds have white poop?
Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down?
Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet.
If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
If you accidently ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?
Do sore thumbs really stick out?
Why is it when you're almost dead you're on deaths doorstep, but when you're actually dead your not in deaths house?
Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?
What's the opposite of opposite?
If Practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?
Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers when your toe nails are smaller than your finger nails?
Is the opposite of "out of whack" "in whack" ?
If you try to fail and suceed, what did you just do?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Why is the blackboard green?
Why do they call it a black light when it's really purple?
Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
What do you call male ballerinas?
How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?
If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?
Why are pennies bigger than dimes?
Did they have antiques in the olden days?
Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can't stop" why do they come with a resealable lid?
Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
Where does the white go when the snow melts?
Can blind people see their dreams?
What is the exception to the rule that every rule has an exception? Does that make this rule right or wrong?
Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?
Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If we all evolved from monkeys, how come there's still monkeys around now?
Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?
Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn't they do it best by not torturing themselves? and if so, aren't we all masochist?
Why is it called lipstick when it always comes off?
Why is black history month (February) the shortest month of the year?
If when people freak out they are said to be "having a cow", when cows freak out are they said to be "having a person?"
Aren't you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don't know if they are rhetorical questions or not?
Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER?
Why do we leave expensive cars in the drivway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage?
Why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of they skating rings?
What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?
Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving a dump?
What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?
If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?
What would happen if an Irresistable Force met an Immovable Object?
What's the difference between a wise man and a wise guy?
If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?
How can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?
Why are both male and female ladybugs called ladybugs instead of ladybugs and manbugs?
How can you hear yourself think?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Is a man full of wonder a wonderful man?
Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot?
How come thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?
If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas?
If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
If you fed a bee nothing but oranges, would it start making marmalade?
Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts, but have to put in your two cents worth?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
If the speed of movement is slower than the speed of light - how fast is a moving light?
Why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?
Why is it good to be a Daddy's girl, but bad to be a Momma's boy?
How can something be new and improved? if it's new, what was it improving on?
Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why did they name that underwear company fruit of the loom?
Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?
Why is the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
How does santa get into a house that doesn't have a chimney?
If you get cheated by the better business bereau, who do you complain to?
If you're in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken?
Why are turds pinched off at the end?
I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?
If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?
Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?
If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented?
How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?
What would you use to dilute water?
What should one call a male ladybird?
How can military troops be deployed if they have never been ployed to begin with?
If you lived in Siberia and you wronged the Russians government, where would they send you?
Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Aren't all generalizations false?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Could someone ever get addicted to counseling?
If so, how could you treat them?
Did Adam and Eve have navels?
Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?
Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
How can there be "self help GROUPS"?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How do you know when yogurt goes bad?
How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?
How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so you're never in darkness?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does her partner also have to drown?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
If a tree fell on a mime in the forest, would he make a sound and would anyone care?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?
If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause?
If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?
If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?
If a jogger runs a the speed of sound can he still hear his walkman?
If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If God sneezes...what should you say?
If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If superglue is so good, why doesn't it stick to the side of the tube?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?
If you can read the marking, isn't that end already up?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?
If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the driver end up owing you money?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?
If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out?
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor, will he complain?
If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you go back in time?
If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done?
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
If you take a shower, where do you put it?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly?
If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is it progress if a cannibal learns to eat with a fork?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Is there a Dr. Salt?
Isn't hot water already hot?
Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
Shouldn't it be some things in moderation?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
What came first the chicken or the egg?
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
What colour would a smurf turn if you choked it?
What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
What do sheep count when they can't sleep?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits foot?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
What happened to the first 6 ups?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
What is the speed of dark?
What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
What's another word for synonym?
When blind people go to the bathroom, how do they know when they are done wiping their butt?
When people lose weight, where does it go?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Where are Preparations A through G?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Who invented accents?
Who tows the tow trucks when they break down?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange?
Why are there never any artist's materials in a drawing room?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?
Why aren't there bullet-proof pants?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why didn't Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force?
Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Won't they all stop eventually?
Why do bars advertise live bands?
What does a dead band sound like?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
If your feet smell and your nose runs, are you built upside down?
Why do guys wear underpants?
Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?
Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?
Why do 'tug'boats push their barges?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do we have hot water heaters?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do you weep and sniffle over a TV program and the imaginary Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?
Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?
Why don't you ever see baby pigions?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
Don't you have to get up to get to the tape?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?
Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?
Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?
Have ex-punsters been expunged?
Did you really get this far?!
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BBMPU Wallpaper & Timeline Albums

Once again, Facebook has made things difficult for mobile users.

Most BBMPU fans have no access to our photo albums.

Never fear though.

I've listed the albums with direct links here. Enjoy.  =]

●3D Wallpapers

●Abstract & Patterns

●Adult Content

●Broken Hearts & Overcoming Obstacles

●Butterflies

●Cars & Motorcycles

●Cats - Large AND Small

●Dogs & Wolves

●Fairies

●Fictional Characters

●Floral

●Food & Drinks

●For the Men

●For the Women 

●Gaming & Sports

●Graffiti

●Horses & Unicorns

●Humor 

●Landscapes & Travel

●Music & Musicians

●Other Animals

●Quotes

●Romance & Hearts

●Superheroes & Villains

★☆★Facebook Timeline Covers★☆★

●Badass Women

●Birds

●Black & White

●Canines

●Cartoons

●Country Life

●Cuteness

●Felines

●Floral

●For Shits & Giggles

●Gaming & Sports

●Horses

●Landscapes & Travel

●Legendary Characters

●Music

●Other Animals

●Quotes

●Reptiles & Amphibians

●Romance & All Things Love

●Under the Sea

To my future daughters..

I'm beginning to think about the future quite a bit.

I know that sounds like it's a little late, but frankly, I've been too busy just getting through the present, crossing bridges as I get to them because there just seemed to be so damned many of them. Many of those bridges were built by me. Some were not.

I feel something is about to give, though. I'm sitting right here on the very edge of being broke, and FINALLY doing something about it. I'm close.

So I've allowed myself to think a little further into the future.. to consider the women I would like my daughters to grow up to be (definitely not like their mother).

This poses a slight worry when watching tv. (For those who are unfamiliar,  I don't watch much tv. Truth is, I think maybe I'm just too sensitive for tv. It depresses me.)

On some true crime show, a young woman had gotten into drugs & prostitution,  both tragedies in their own rights.

You know who missed her when she died? Her mama. For two years, the young girl struggled through the seedier parts of life while calling mama every week and telling her she was doing "just fine" in school.

Be it fear of disappointment,  or protecting her mother, I'm not sure. All I know is that if only her mother had known, they might have gotten through it together.

So, while I'm not quite sure what kind of people my daughters will turn out to be, I ask only this: No matter what mistakes you make, no matter what situation you find yourself in, call mama. Come home. Don't suffer alone. I'm strong enough to handle your darkest sorrows, and I love you enough to get over ANY disappointments.

No one on this Earth will ever love you as much as I do.  Mistakes WILL be made. I've made them and everyone you've ever known has made them. There's no mistake too big to come back from.

Photographers VS. Designers

DISCLAIMER: This photo was taken by Darren Johnson from ShotHotspot.com (Visit to find popular photography locations all around the world.)

Darren Johnson neither endorsed nor approved of the message. (Although I'd hope he'd agree.)

I didn't watermark this. I truly have decided I am not a designer. At least not yet. While I may ARRANGE things using a combination of images, effects, text, etc. I have not truly begun to design until I begin coming up with my own photography ideas. Photographers are truly the designers.

So this.. this ironic piece? Not watermarking. I didn't design crap. I simply did EXACTLY what the message makes fun of. And I'll be damned if I take credit for that.

Predators.

My favorite animals have always been the predators.

Even the common house cat that I get my nickname from is a predator. Not only is he a predator,  but he is one of the cruelest.

Cats, big and small, are one of the most fearsome predators, but my favouritism doesn't stop there.

My favorite animals include sharks, killer whales, seals, snakes...

I wonder if this says something about my psyche?

How much do you really know about sex? Answers. (BBMPU Fans.)

People who have sex about three times a week are perceived to look younger. How much younger? A. 4 - 7 years.

Who places a higher importance on looks when looking for a casual sex partner, women or men? Women. Was this really surprising?

Other than the genitals and the breasts, what is the only other body part that routinely swells during intercourse? The nose. This is because it is made of the same stuff the penis is.

Some women experience orgasms while breastfeeding. True.

Which age group has the most frequent sex? C. 35 - 45 years.

How long does sex between mosquitoes last? 2 seconds.

Which country leads the world in condom use? Japan.  Like cosmetics, they're sold door to door, by women.

What temperature do sperm banks typically store their sperm at? -321ºF

Tribadism is: B. When two women rub their genitals together.

Fellatio is the correct term for: A. When a person performs oral sex on a man.

Irrumatio is an aggressive form of: C. Oral sex.

Pegging is: A. When a woman uses a strap-on dildo to anally penetrate a man.

Urophagia is the term for: B. Consuming urine.

Pompoir is: B. When a woman clenches her pc muscles (the muscles inside the vagina) during sexual intercourse.

Coitus Interruptus is also known as: B. Pulling out.

Intercrural sex is a form of safe sex in which: C. A man thrusts his penis between a person's thighs.

Before being published as a novel, the Ray Bradbury novel Fahrenheit 451 was originally serialized in what mens magazine? a.Playboy

What vegetable was valued as an aphrodisiac by ancient Egyptians?
b. lettuce

Because of the legend that grew surrounding its alleged hugeness, the penis of what American gangster came to be housed at the Smithsonian Institute? b. John Dillinger

The term erotica is derived from the name of whose famous lover? A. Psyche

Recently uncovered murals from ancient Pompeii depict couples enjoying what kinky fun pastime? D. Spanking

Which American religious leader was married to at least 33 different women, according to historical research? C. Joseph Smith

According to legend what famous female ruler supposedly died while having relations with a horse? A. Katherine the Great of Russia

What famous beauty was fathered by womanizer, Pope Alexander VI? C. Lucrecia Borgia

What book has been banned or at least censored in certain American school systems because of its alleged risqué passages? B. The Bible

What famous ruler kept a large, comfortably furnished harem located underground? D. Cleopatra (I'm loving this woman more and more.)

What ancient manuscript on sex includes sections on dream interpretation and medical remedies for common sexual maladies? B. The Perfumed Garden

Biographers have speculated what American singer/entertainer had romantic fantasies about his mother? C. Elvis Presley

What sexual practice has most often been found depicted on pottery made by ancient Central American peoples? D. Anal sex

The term Teratophilia means what? C. a person who is sexually attracted to deformed individuals

The god Zeus ravished the beautiful Spartan princess Leda while he was disguised as what animal? D. A swan.

Balancing a Job, a Teeny Business, Planning a Wedding and Kids.

First of all, let me state for the record that I fully realize there are mothers out there with busier schedules than mine. I realize that there are single mothers who DON'T have the help that I am blessed with. I used to be one of those single mothers.

This blog is not about complaining.  This is just about my life.

I started Kittn's Purrfections in October 2010 when I had no job, a child in school, and a quiet pre-schooler at home. Immediately, I realized I was wayyy over my head. Owning a business online can be a VERY scary place. I was starting up with almost no start up cash, and a dream in my eye.

KP has had its ups and its downs, mainly from the financial side. I had no idea how steeply I was undercharging the customers, wanting only to offer FAIR prices to my fans who I had grown to laugh and cry with. Not only did they earn the title Purrfectionistas, but many earned the title of friend as well. In the process of making sure they got amazing prices, I forgot to be fair to myself.

In September 2011, my family and I hit rock bottom. My fiance'e was laid off after an injury that put him out for 6 weeks. (Ever broke your tailbone? I have. Twice. And Mister Boss Man, the agony my darling felt those 6 weeks from being injured on YOUR farm was all too real.)

I no longer had ANY funds to make up for the extra costs. Faced with closing KP down, I stood before my Purrfectionistas, my friends, and laid it all out. I was done for. I had never been one to give up easily, but this is a woman who couldn't even keep her electricity on, much less keep up with a business that was steadily costing money to run, and not giving anything back.

Those same friends didn't give up so easy. Always understanding and always kind, they cheered me on the days I needed heroes, the days I thought I could never smile.

But I did slow down. I took more time to fix my own problems, getting jobs while my fiance'e searched desperately for work. (He has a blip on his background that I won't bother going into,  at least not in this blog.)

I even started working towards my GED, an accomplishment that I couldn't be more proud of.

My mom passed in September 2012 and threw me for another loop. My friends in real life, online, and KP suffered horribly. I was in a foul mood for months, easy to piss off, and quick to tear up. I was a wreck.

Then one shiny day, I woke up with a smile. I had woken to a busy, BUSY day of school, work, and advertising to get KP back up and running. It felt natural, right some how. Kids were put on the school bus, I worked until 6pm, came home to homework & baths (Thank Goodness dinner is DADDY's job) and tucked safely into bed.

Oh how I wanted to rest my tired feet. Instead,  I spent the next 48 hours posting brand new items, at amazing prices, and advertising the hell out of my shop. If you were on Facebook in those 48 hours, I apologize for the spam in your news feeds.

It worked. I've since spent several 48 hour blocks on the shop, and three weeks later, I'm consistently selling enough that I have a few bucks saved to start making up those lost giveaway items and packages that I owe.

It's neverending. It's exhausting. Tuesday through Friday I am home with my children, and constantly chugging through on KP. If I don't post sales and discounts,  I don't sell. If I don't constantly reach out to NEW fans, I don't sell. Tuesday through Friday, I'm a walking zombie. Saturday through Monday, I work from 9 - 7, if not later. Generally, I fall asleep after work, or work on a Facebook page that I admin for in my rare free time.

So why did I wake up smiling?

Because simply put, I woke up with a plan. I had gained my GED with high scores, had a plan for college (for my lifetime choice of career) if I could just get my hands on a laptop, and I knew what I would have to do to see KP shine once again.

For the first time in over a year, I felt in control, and blessed. I knew it would be hard, and it HAS been. However, the rewards of self worth, confidence, and this newfound smile makes every single day worth it.

I couldn't have done it without my Purrfectionistas, my amazing fiance'e, and three amazing children who understand more than they should about being poor and hard times.

Yep. I'm pretty damned blessed and I'm loving every crazy, hectic, stressful moment.

DIY Tips & Tricks from Around the Web

Are you a crafter? Do you want to be? Do you want tricks to make your life in general simpler? I've compiled some of the best tips & tricks I've read around the web, plus included links! Read on. Because if you don't, Miss Bossy Ass Kittn will be sad.

♡♡♡~♥♥♥

"If you have ever had to give eye drops to a small child, you know how hard it can be. Ask you child to lay down and close his/her eyes. Place a small drop on the inside corner of the eye. The drop will slip onto the eye ball as soon as the child opens their eyes."

"Use Press'n Seal saran wrap to line your refrigerator shelves. When the shelves get dirty, just remove the wrap, toss in the trash and replace. No more scrubbing nasty food spills. (Kittn: "Other materials work as well: Vinyl Shelf Liner, Cheap Plastic Placemats, the possibilities are endless!")"

"Two boxes that should be in every home are a "Fix it" box and a "Donate" box. Whenever you child comes to you with a broken toy that you don't have time to fix instead of letting it clutter up the kitchen counter or get lost with the rest of the toys just toss it in the "Fix it" box. Next time you have the glue gun or sewing machine out look through the box to see what can be fixed. Toss anything that is too small or your kids no longer play with into the donate box and once a month (or more if needed) drop the items off at the donation center."
diy home sweet home

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For picture frames with two holes, hang them evenly and easily by placing a single strip of masking tape over the back covering the two holes. Mark each end of the tape where the holes are located for hanging the frame. Take the tape off and place it on your wall. Make sure it is level then hammer a nail in at each pen mark.
Adventures in Creating has the entire tutorial.
(Toothpaste also makes picture hanging so much easier!)

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Tint glasses any color you'd like with modge podge and food coloring! Momtastic has the scoop!

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If your kids are anything like mine, they NEVER pay attention when opening or shutting doors. Some days, it's frequent to hear a bang and immediate blood curdlinh screams from whoever got their fingers smashed. Use a cut up swimming pool noodle ($1.00!) for a door stopper!
Source: Diana Mattoni

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Expensive picture frames are super cute. Expensive LOOKING frames that you made yourself are better. Use scrap paper over a cheap frame instead!
FaveCrafts

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Do you have stuffed animals EVERYWHERE? Put em in a bean bag chair slip cover! It looks adorable and becomes an extra seat in your child's room!
Pink and Green Mama

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Have you seen the beautiful painted wine glasses sold on Facebook and Etsy? They are actually pretty simple to make! Check out Something Turquoise if you'd like to try it. I will be giving it a try for our wedding glasses!

★

Did you know that you CAN paint letters and words on wood perfectly and even every single time? Trace the full outline of your word with a ball point pen over paper to leave a traced indent in the wood. This indent actually holds the paint!
That's My Letter

♥♥♥~♡♡♡

What about you Purrfectionistas? Do you have any tips to make your life either prettier or easier? Share them here!

**Important KP Information You Might Have Missed**
I'm giving away a set of CUTE little piggy hair bows. Giveaway here. Very few entries at time of posting this blog!

♧♣The Saint Patrick's Day sale is here, and everything green is 25-50% off!

Exclusive 20% off discount when you shop at Crusade Boutique on Storenvy and enter "KITT20" at checkout! You can also shop the Crusade Boutique Facebook Page and follow the instructions for ordering underneath the items or by sending a PM on the page. Just remember to send your coupon code "KITT20" via message as well!

St. Patrick's Day is almost here!

St. Patrick's Day just happens to be my favorite holiday.

This is pretty predictable since St. Patrick's Day celebrated everything I love: my Irish roots, the color green, and good old fashioned rowdy fun.

(To celebrate: All green items are on sale 25% ~ 50% off at Kittn's Purrfections)

But did you know the answers to these questions about my favorite holiday?

1. Who was St. Patrick?

St. Patrick is the patron saint of Ireland, although he was born in Britain, around 385AD. His parents Calpurnius and Conchessa were Roman citizens living in either Scotland or Wales, according to different versions of his story.

2. When did St. Patrick come to Ireland?

As a boy of 14 he was captured and taken to Ireland where he spent six years in slavery herding sheep. He returned to Ireland in his 30s as a missionary among the Celtic pagans.

3. What about the symbol of the clover?

Legend has it that St. Patrick used the native shamrock as a symbol of the holy trinity when preaching and brought the Latin alphabet to Ireland.

4. What did St. Patrick do to be celebrated?

Miracles attributed to him include the driving of serpents out of Ireland. However, evidence suggests post-glacial Ireland never had any snakes in the first place.

5. We celebrate with green, but what color should St. Patrick's Day have been?

Wearing green, eating green food and even drinking green beer, is said to commemorate St Patrick's use of the shamrock - although blue was the original colour of his vestments.

6. Why has this holiday become a day to get drunk?

St Patrick was said to have proclaimed that everyone should have a drop of the "hard stuff" on his feast day after chastising an innkeeper who served a short measure of whiskey. In the custom known as "drowning the shamrock", the shamrock that has been worn on a lapel or hat is put in the last drink of the evening.

7. Popular Irish toasts on St Patrick's Day, include may the roof above us never fall in, and may we friends beneath it never fall out.

8. When was the first St. Patrick's Day?

St. Patrick's Day was first celebrated in America in Boston, Massachusetts, in 1737. Around 34 million modern Americans claim Irish ancestry.

9.When did St. Patrick die?

It is believed that St Patrick died on March 17 in 461AD. It is a national holiday in Ireland, and on the island of Montserrat in the Caribbean, which was founded by Irish refugees. It is a bank holiday in Northern Ireland and a provincial holiday in the Canadian province of Newfoundland.

10. Dublin has a parade that attracts hundreds of thousands of people, while in Chicago the river is dyed green for a few hours. The biggest parade is normally held in New York, while the largest celebration in the southern hemisphere is in Sydney, Australia.

Pictured: Sydney Opera House on St. Patrick's Day

♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥
Exclusive 20% off discount when you shop at Crusade Boutique on Storenvy and enter "KITT20" at checkout! You can also shop the Crusade Boutique Facebook Page and follow the instructions for ordering underneath the items or by sending a PM on the page. Just remember to send your coupon code "KITT20" via message as well!

Whew. A day of pretty ribbon, and a feeling of satisfaction

I was a busy kitty today.

Up until the past two weeks, I have had one order every few months.

In the last two weeks I have had quite a few  orders.

I'm perky right now. :)

Let's see:
12 Hairbows,
4 Clothing Items,
3 sets of Earrings,
7 Necklace sets,
6 Boys' Bow Ties
4 Bracelets
And 3 No Sew Fleece Baby Blankets.

I've been rocking it too.

Packaged Up:
6 Hair Bows,
4 Clothing Items, 
3 Sets of Earrings,
& 7 Necklace sets.

I am currently waiting for more ribbon for 3 of those bows. Frustrating! I thought I had TWO rolls.

Good thing my supplier ships rush if needed for no extra money. :)

Anyway, it's been a heck of a two weeks.

First, I reached 1,500 Fans in the middle of my "Wanna Be 2000 Fans Sale" (but that's a story for another blog.)

Then, those 1500 fans decided they really liked my products. Kittn couldn't be more proud.

Less than a week later,  I reached 1600 fans. I'd be lying if I didn't give myself some credit.  I was out there networking like crazy, not only on Facebook, but Tumblr,  Twitter, Pinterest, and anyone in the mighty internet world who never pretended to be interested.

At one point, I stayed up 48 hours, just getting the old shop back to order after being closed for so long. I immensely enjoyed every minute of it.

Keep 'em coming guys!

Pictured: Order for Holly shipping out today
And the 6 Hair Bows I have completed.

♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥
Exclusive 20% off discount when you shop at Crusade Boutique on Storenvy and enter "KITT20" at checkout! You can also shop the Crusade Boutique Facebook Page and follow the instructions for ordering underneath the items or by sending a PM on the page. Just remember to send your coupon code "KITT20" via message as well!

20% Discount Off Your Entire Order at Crusade Boutique - KP Exclusive!

A fellow shop owner has provided you and all of my Purrfectionistas one heck of a deal!

But first, let me give you a little idea of what Crusade Boutique is about!

CB offers Juniors, Women's & Plus Size Women's Apparel that is PROUDLY "Made in the USA" They carry size Small to 6XL!
I have included a few pictures of the SUPER cute clothes! I'm always proud to shop USA if I have a choice. :)

Anywho, just for being a Purrfectionista you get 20% off your entire order at Crusade Boutique! EXCLUSIVE and ONLY available to KP fans!
How do you claim this wonderful prize?
Easy, peazy!

You can receive your exclusive 20% off discount when you shop at Crusade Boutique on Storenvy and enter "KITT20" at checkout!

You can also shop the Crusade Boutique Facebook Page and follow the instructions for ordering underneath the items or by sending a PM on the page. Just remember to send your coupon code "KITT20" via message as well!

(No worries! I will include this information under all posts for you to find.)

Tristan, thank you soo much!

Purrfectionistas, don't forget to show your love and thanks in comments. :)

How to Hide Your Activity on Pages (Facebook Tutorial)

1. Go to your profile. Under your timeline cover are several boxes including "Friends" and "Notes". Click the little arrow to see more.
2. Click the box that says "Likes".
3. To the far right of your screen, click "Edit".
4. Next to each group of Likes, click the globe.
5. Click "Only Me".
6. Make sure to change the settings for "Other Pages You've Liked" as well.
7. Return to the top right of your screen and click "Done Editing".
8. Enjoy being able to comment without it showing in your mama, pastor, friends' newsfeeds!

THE DRESS. Squeeeee!!!!

On Christmas Eve 2009, Griff proposed to me with his mother's ring in front of his family, the only family I've ever felt that I belonged to.

Since that day, I have searched all over the world for the perfect dress.

I found one in March 2011 but after discovering that finances did not allow for a marriage, much less a wedding, I grew disheartened and deleted every trace of wedding planning from my life.

This year, we decided to do it. We were setting a date, FINALIZING it, even. We would not budge this time, consequences be damned.

So I had to get all eye of the tiger on my dress hunt because we chose a date.

In. September.
Of. THIS. Year.

This meant no more idle day dreams of my wedding day, but rock solid, concrete decisions.

Those that know me are laughing their ASSES off at me. Just know that I sit here sticking out my tongue at ALL OF YOU.

I found a dress shortly after I started searching. I was DETERMINED that I could find it somewhere handmade and cheap. I didn't. It was too extravagant of a choice. I had to do like many brides all around the world do: walk away.

Granted, it really wasn't that hard. I've never been one to spend a ton of money on myself, especially for a one-day outfit and the price tag on this one was outrageous. However, this did mean that the dress-hunt started over.

Then, I found this. The most perfect wedding dress ever. At one hell of a price. All HANDMADE, AND 100% CUSTOM TAILORED.

Yeah. I kicked that dress-hunt's ASS.

THEN, I also found bridesmaids dresses here. In my bridesmaids' budgets? Check. Pleasing to the bridesmaids? Check. Pleasing to the bride. Flippin' check.

Now, I shall stress about flowers, music, freaking cakes, but about The Dress no longer.

Aline Romantic ivory layered Organza Wedding by MermaidBridal

Valentine's Day on a Budget

Whew. Valentine's Day is only 2 days away.

Are you scrambling to find the perfect Valentine's Day treat on a tight budget?

In our family, we certainly are. Our wedding is in September so we don't have much spare cash.

However, Valentine's Day isn't really about the gifts is it? Here are some great ideas to make your special Valentine smile!

Romantic Date for Two: 
If you can’t afford a babysitter, set up a table for two after the kids go to bed. You can still have a romantic meal at home without breaking the budget with a fancy night out. Find all those fancy foods at the supermarket and make a feast that rivals any restaurants by enlisting help from cookbooks and Web sites. I guarantee that your spouse will appreciate all your efforts.

Coupons and Chores: 
What could say more to someone than you actually doing something for them? Give your spouse the day off and pick up the slack of the chores for them. Take the dog for a walk, take out the trash, wash the car, get the oil changed – do anything that they would do that day so that they can sit and relax. A more creative way of doing the same thing would be to create coupons for your spouse. Include items that you know they would hate doing and write them on construction paper. An envelope of coupons shows how much you appreciate them and as long as they don't use all the coupons at once, it is a gift that you can give throughout the year.

Monthly Clubs: 
Give your spouse something and then offer them the opportunity to receive it monthly. It can be something inexpensive like a batch of their favorite cookies or a date night to the dollar movie each month – just something that you can afford to do monthly and will show how much you appreciate and love them.

Heartfelt Lunches: 
Cooking for someone is one of the greatest acts of love. Maybe you don't think of it because you do it all the time, but each dish you make is filled with love and care for someone else. Make your spouse a lunch filled with heart shaped sandwiches or use the the color red throughout all of the dishes. You could also surprise your spouse at work and bring them their lunch filled with heartfelt goodies in person. Sharing food with them in a creative way shows how much you really care.

I Heart You: 
Show your love by making your spouse a good old-fashioned valentine. Using red construction paper, lace doilies and crayons, cut out paper hearts just like you did when you were little. No one can resist a homemade Valentine, not even when you are an adult! Want to make a more powerful statement? Include a letter about what that person means to you. There is nothing more powerful than the written word!

Send them searching:
Send your loved ones on a Valentine’s Day themed scavenger hunt. Use construction paper to cut out heart shapes and share a special memory on each heart that will lead them to the next clue!

Recall family moments:
Sit down as a family and write down your favorite family moments. Put them in an old box or a jar. You can decorate it together to display in your home, adding to the jar every Valentine’s Day. You will have a meaningful decoration and another great family memory!

Surprise them with a visit:
Show up unexpectedly to have lunch with the kids at school. Or, if possible, make a surprise visit at your children or significant other’s place of work. Create a printed agenda for the evening, including the menu and any other activities. Share it as you leave so they will look forward to what’s to come!

I will add more as I think of them, or as I discover them on the mighty internet.

Do you have any suggestions?

~~~Deals I found~~~

Sweet deals
Krispy Kreme: Now through February 14, when you buy a dozen donuts, you get 12 free Valentine’s Day gift cards. Each card is good for a free donut, including two limited-time heart-shaped iced donuts with sprinkles.

Baskin Robbins: The ice cream shop’s flavor of the month has chocolate ice cream and chocolate-flavored hearts with raspberry filling. It comes pretty much any way you want it, the only bummer is it isn’t any cheaper than usual.

Dunkin Donuts: Throughout the entire month of February, DD is offering Cupid’s Choice Donut: a heart-shaped donut filled with Bavarian Kreme and topped with strawberry flavored icing and heart-shaped sprinkles. Unfortunately, no deal involved with this deliciousness – but if all you need is one sweet treat, it’s a good one.

Dairy Queen: The ultimate Valentine’s Day blizzard is back. DQ is offering the Choco Covered Strawberry blizzard and various heart-shaped ice cream cakes.

Cold Stone Creamery: The expert ice cream maker is offering Valentine-themed gift cards. If you and the sweetie are too full from the romantic dinner, a gift card for dessert is a great way to keep the celebration going.

Pretzelmaker – Get a heart-shaped pretzel with every pretzel purchased. The catch is you have to like the company on Facebook.

Flowers
ProFlowers.com: If you’re looking for a deal on flowers, for any occasion, check out this flower shop’s coupon page. For Valentine’s Day specials, ProFlowers is offering 20% off orders of at least $39. If you want something a little cheaper, you can still get 15% off lower-priced options, and there’s even a 50% off deal. The only tricky part is these discounts don’t cover shipping, so make sure you factor that in, and maybe look for an extra coupon code online.

FloraFlora.com: This flower shop has a $6.95 flat rate for shipping on Valentine’s Day. You also get an extra 15% off with the coupon code CUPID12.

Dining Deals
Waffle House: The Ultimate Valentine’s Day Experience: “Scattered, Smothered, and covered” is once again a romantic phrase for Valentine’s Day fine dining. For daters looking for a more affordable dinner option, Waffle House is offering reservations for a romantic candle-lit atmosphere. Make sure to check for participating locations.

White Castle: The fast-food joint is also once again offering a fine dining option with table service and candlelight dinner. You can even send your significant other a “White Castle Valentine’s Day SliderGram” on Facebook.

Qdoba Mexican Grill: Here’s a unique Valentine’s Day deal. The Mexican restaurant is offering a free meal to people who share a kiss with a significant other, friend, family member, or “even an understanding stranger at the cash register.” Give a kiss and get a second entrée of equal or lesser value for free.

Groupon: The popular coupon site has tons of Valentine’s-themed deals and discounts. There’s a wide range of deals including bottles of wine, massages, hotel deals and gift baskets. Scroll to the bottom of the main Valentine’s Day page, and the site has deals categorized by gifts for men, gifts for women, popular gifts and gift cards.

Facebook gifts: Choose from hundreds of gifts in categories like Wine, Food, Style, and Gift Cards & Digital. All you have to do is select the gift you want to give, attach a card, and send!

Living Social: The deal site also has tons of Valentine’s-themed coupons that you can either give as a gift, or share with your significant other. Just enter your city and see what deals are available in your area.

Savvysugar: Check out the site’s ideas for cheap ways to celebrate Valentine’s Day.

Fat Wallet: The site has tons of last-minute gift ideas and coupon codes for extra savings on things like flowers, candy and even jewelry. Check out the full list of Valentine’s Deals.

RetailMeNot: The coupon site has a wide variety of Valentine’s Day deals and you can browse them by category!

Defining Love

Define Love:   1.  tender and passionate affection for another person.   2.  deep and strong affection for a friend or relative.   

So I defined love.  Big deal.  The true definition of love, however, is different for everyone.  So here I go again, spouting off and pretending to know something about love, and wondering, does anyone really know what "true" love is?  So instead of saying to you, this is how love is defined, instead, the following is my personal experience of what love is.  

When I was an infant, I loved my mother.   Thus, beginning my first personal experience with love.  The love between mother and child is a strong love, probably the strongest that exists.  Mother vows to protect child, and child need do nothing but exist.  In return, child gives her loyalty and unconditional trust to Mother.  

However, as I grew, and my willingness to allow the rest of the world in, I learned a different love.   My second love became nature, and everything in it.. especially animals. My love for animals became almost a mystical emotion, a passion that most children feel at one time or another, but dies over the years. 
My love did not die. Instead, that love turned into a passion for animals, and a dream to someday rescue animals in need of any kind of help, be it shelter, food, or security from cruel humans. (Trust me, Mankind is a cruel beast indeed.) This prepared me for the next kind of love.  

A love between a woman and a man, is as mysterious as time itself.  It takes many broken chances with love, much heartache, and a lifetime of Mr. Wrongs to find the Mr. Right. 
I found him a couple of years back.  He literally saved my life. 

This love is a very different love than the previous two.  First, although it is a devotion like a maternal love, there is no blood ties, or anything else connecting man and woman.  Just pure adoration and respect.  
Then, a passion for animals, or other hobbies, is nothing compared to the passion between a man and a woman who are truly in love.  
So the circle goes on.

I have now become the mother, and someday my children will discover love on their own, hopefully. 

Loyalty to family, passion for life, and the love between husband and wife. 

So what does love mean to me?  It means being passionate about something, knowing you were meant to step forward, and going for it with everything you have., even if it hurts along the way.   

And thus, I defined love.

A True Fairy Tale from my Past

Once upon a time there was a princess - a beautful fair redhead.
She was locked away in an icy tower protected by a dragon named Falsehoods. She was told that unless she could slay her dragon on her own, she would never be free.

A knight in shining armor came along and saw the beautiful maiden, and was hurt by the fact that she was a victim of her Falsehoods. He tried to save her again, and again, and on the 5th try, told her that she MUST do it on her own so that they could live happily ever after.

She tried. Oh, she tried so hard. And in a mighty thrust of her sword, the Falsehood dragon was dead.

But the knight had grown weary of waiting for her to defeat the dragon on her own, and had turned away from her.

So instead of being free like she had always dreamed, she locked herself back in her tower and mourned the loss of the man she had come to love, for all eternity. And lived sadly, ever after.   Goodbye, her good knight.

Simply a Love Story by Yours Truly

Coming down her hallway, she looked up, and there he was, laying on her couch like he was meant to be there. Hell, who was she kidding, he WAS meant to be there, not on her couch, but in her bed. She'd known it from the night they'd met, that he was something special, and nothing she'd ever known before. He whispered "Hi Beautiful" and as always, his words made her smile, her heart race, and she fell in love with him even more. She noticed this every time he spoke to her, or even looked at her. She was changing, into something she had never wanted to be. Anytime she saw a mirror, she checked her hair, made sure she looked just right for him, though in reality, she knew he saw her as beautiful, and as she checked the mirror one last time, she saw it too. Finally, she could honestly see herself the way most men did. Red hair, gorgeous green eyes that could seduce in a heartbeat, and a body that could bring almost any man to his knees if used the right way. But she didn't need these things to seduce HIM. When she looked into his eyes, she knew that he didn't see the outer beauty, he saw the real person she was. This, was why her hands were shaking, why she grew weak every single time he came near her. She had never let a man get this close to her, and now, looking down her hallway towards him, all she wanted him to do was take her in his arms, and tell her he loved her. Neither of them had actually spoken the words, but she knew she was in love with him, now more then ever. But did he feel the same way? She stepped out of her hallway, into the living room, and watched his reaction, hoping for him to love her and look at her just the way she was looking at him now. With wonderment, and eyes that spoke only of passion for each other. And when she looked, she thought she saw it. Without speaking, she curled up next to him on the couch, and wrapped her arms around him, just needing to feel his body pressed against her, not in a sexual way, but in an embrace showing him how much she cared, even if she was too afraid to say it out loud. She pushed all thoughts of love or romance, or even the future out of her mind, and just let herself be swept away by the moment, by the feel of his body under her hands, and by his touch. God, but was his touch a beautiful thing. Never sexual, only lingering fingertips touching her skin in ways she never imagined erotic, but somehow erotic anyway. Then, he did it. He kissed her, and she was lost to him. Completely lost. All she had to do was just drift away while he touched her, and showed her exactly what she needed. And as the kiss broke, he said the words she needed to hear. Forcing her to look at him, he looked into those beautiful green eyes, and said those three promising and yet frightful words -- "I love you". 

"I love the way you taste, the way you feel, the way you smell." He paused then, and in that moment she paused too. Her whole world just stopped. She'd been waiting so long to hear these words, but something in them made her think. He had told her he wasn't here looking for love, just to work and start over his life. What if loving her ruined all that for him? This was her double edged sword. Be greedy, or walk away so that he could live out his life the way he wanted to, without her as a distraction. So she held him tighter, not repeating the words that she had wanted so badly to say, and almost cried, knowing that she would have to let the one man she ever truly felt this way about go. So she chose to be greedy for that moment, took all of him in she could, and knew that later she would have to walk away and break his heart so that he would be happy. She wasn't right for him, she knew that now, but damn, it broke her heart to realize it. With her silence, he watched her reaction, and it made him ache. What if he had been wrong to tell her he was in love with her? He really didn't mean to scare her, he just wanted her to know he loved her, even if it wasn't reciprocated. He tried to keep silent, but his fear of her walking away took over, and as she held on to him tighter without saying anything, he grew afraid himself. She can't walk away from him now can she? So, he did what he knew best, and he touched her, letting her feel his love through his touch, and hoping she would understand that she didn't HAVE to love him back, just know that he loved her. Her body reacted to his touch in every way he wanted it to. In just a few moments, she was pressing closer to him in the most erotic way. He'd never had her, but oh, how he wanted her now. If she was to walk away, at least he would have this memory of her. 

She laid there in his arms, letting his hands do as they wished, knowing that this would be the only night they would have together, and let it all fade from her mind. All she wanted was him for this one night. That wasn't too much to ask for was it? As he rolled on top of her, and their kisses became more passionate, she knew no other man would ever have her this way again, that this connection would always remain between them no matter how far apart they were. He tried to get her to follow him to her room, but her heart revolted. If she made love to him in that bed, every time she slept there, she would be haunted by memories of him, of the love she had to walk away from. So they made love right there on the couch, neither one saying a word, until the end, when her mouth did the most treacherous of things, and whispered "I love you too." 

As he started his truck outside of her house, he couldn't stop thinking of her, and how she had felt tonight. He had come to Texas to concentrate on his career, but that saucy, smartassed redhead had changed everything. Oh well, time to push her out of his mind, after all, he had a long drive ahead of him if he was going to be at work tomorrow. What was he thinking staying so late with home 4 hours away? As he put the truck into gear, and turned onto the highway, the old memories began to haunt him again. Not of her, but of a woman long ago, who had destroyed him, and had been the true reason for his moving to Texas. 

Ashley had seemed like the perfect woman. As a bride she had been beautiful, and remained that way even after. The perfect match for someone like him. She always had a smile on her face when he came home from work, and dinner was ready and hot. And damn, how the woman got to him in bed. Even now, thinking of it, he could still feel her body against him, and it made him ache for happier times, for Ashley who was wild in bed, wilder then he had ever imagined. 

He should have never come home early from work, but he wanted to surprise her. He hadn't been able to stop thinking of Ashley all day, and he told his boss he wasn't feeling well, and stopped by the florist. Hell, he'd even picked up her favorite chocolates, trying to make sure everything was perfect. Where had he gone wrong? He could still remember the sounds coming from their bedroom, the sounds he had been looking forward to all day. Only it wasn't his name she was calling. As he opened the door to their room, he watched the wild bitch on top of his best friend, and the flowers dropped. Oh, she had been a good bitch alright, deceiving him, making him blind up until that very last moment. No wonder they said love was blind. 

And now there was this redhead. Lord, was he in over his head this time. She hated cooking, hated cleaning, and refused to settle down and be domesticated. What the hell was his heart thinking falling for her? She was everything he hated in a woman. Rebellious and smartassed, that girl had a way of pissing him off in a way that turned him on in more ways than one. And the worst part? He didn't even WANT her to change. He liked her just like that. Was it because she was so different from Ashley? It was something he would have to think more on.

 She heard his truck start and take off, and her heart ached. She was so confused. She dressed for bed, and as she brushed her teeth and looked into the mirror she saw the sorrow in her eyes. Did he see it too? Of course he did. He could read her inner thoughts and almost always knew when she was upset. As she pulled back the covers of her bed and let her body nestle into her warm covers, she stretched out and tried to erase all thoughts of him so that she could sleep. But sleep wouldn't come, and she ended up thinking of the night they had met. It had been amazing, though she had had WAY too much to drink. 

She was supposed to go to the bar with some friends, but when she got off work, she was too tired, and heartbroken from a long relationship just ending. She had thought Daniel was everything she had ever wanted, and had been so wrong. Driving home from work, her cell phone rang, and it was one of her friends. Lisa was asking her to come to a beach party with her, but she just didn't feel up to it. So she told Lisa no, and drove home, but something kept nagging at her. Why didn't she go? After all, it wasn't like her ex was sitting there saddened by the loss of what they had shared. She already knew he had been out with friends that night, having the time of his life. So as she parked her truck outside of her house, she called Lisa back. With a few words, it was agreed that she would meet Lisa, and Lisa would take her to the party since she didn't know anyone except Lisa. She didn't even bother dressing up, it was just the beach, and she didn't plan on meeting any guys. She put on her fake smile for Lisa, and when she got out of Lisa's boyfriend's truck at the beach, she remembered this was her element, and it was time to forget about her ex. So she jumped out, put that fake smile back on, and jumped right in the middle of the party. He had walked up to her, and offered her a beer. Oh, but he was gorgeous. And the fact that he seemed to actually care about the environment made her curious. Who the hell was this guy? She walked away from him, turning instead to his friend, afraid of the attraction she had felt immediately. There was no way she was walking back into a relationship again. No way in hell she would let herself become attracted to a man and let him stomp all over her heart. 

As the party went on, she found herself having more fun then she had expected, and her eyes kept turning towards him, her ears to his voice. She was so curious about who he was, and where he was from, but fear kept taking over. But it didn't take too many beers for her, and she felt safe. So she walked up to him, and as soon as she looked up into his eyes, she knew it. There was something real about Destiny. Maybe nothing would come out of meeting him, but she knew he had been there for some reason, just as she had come to this party unknowingly meeting up with the Fates and what they had in mind for her. He was from San Antonio, and she knew she would probably never see him again. But by the end of the night, they had exchanged phone numbers and he had promised to call her. And he had kept his word. 

It had been a long time before she had seen him again, this time him inviting her to take a trip with him to Corpus Christi. He had been such a gentleman, and by the time the weekend was over, she had been wishing it would never end. But it had to, and thoughts of him kept her awake every night. Why did he have to live so far away? And what was this feeling deep inside her chest for a man she had seen only twice in her entire life? They talked on the phone almost every night, and a few months later he was back down for a weekend at her house. Tonight had been the end of that wonderful weekend, and as she drifted off to sleep, all she could think of was his touch, and she swore she could still feel his fingers on her body. But what was she going to do about the fact hat he didn't need her barging into his life like this? She would have to do something soon. The longer she waited to tell him how she felt, the more it would hurt in the end. But for right now, she fell asleep dreaming of his arms around her, and of a future that she knew would never exist. 

He walked up to his apartment, and entered it, and he couldn't help feeling how empty it was. She should be here, he told himself. He fell into his bed for a quick nap before work, and when he got to work, he immersed himself in it, trying not to think about her. Damn her, she was such a distraction, didn't she know the effect she had on his mind?

His mind kept going back to the night they met as well, and oh, how she had captured his attention like no other. Did he think he'd be this obsessed over her later? No, but he knew she was amazing. When she had jumped out of that truck, he had seen her, and when she introduced herself, he found himself staring into those eyes. Sure, he couldn't see the color then, at night, but they were beautiful anyway.

At first they didn't run out of things to talk about, until she had said excuse me, saw the 4 wheeler, and asked his friend to take her for a ride. What the hell? And when she came back, she was laughing, a beautiful laugh, but still hanging out with his friend. Oh well, guess she just didn't feel the attraction that he did. Wouldn't be the first time.

But then she had come sauntering over to him, and sat there beside him, and they had talked all night. He knew she was trouble form the moment she had stepped out of that truck. Redheads were always trouble. but who was he kidding? He had always loved girls that were trouble. They were fun. He wasn't looking for love, just some good old fashioned fun. And he found himself laughing with her over some of the silliest stuff.

When he drove her to her own truck, they exchanged numbers, and he found himself hoping that she would come to the beach again that night. But she didn't come, and he went home feeling slightly disappointed. But when he called her the next day, she had seemed warm enough, and the continued talking over the phone for the next few months. Then when he found out he had to go to Corpus for the weekend, the first thing he had thought of was her.

So he called, and asked if she would like to come, and when she accepted, he felt his heart race. He would be alone with her for the first time. By the end of that weekend, he had discovered there was much more to her then just a pretty girl with beautiful eyes. She was beautiful every way around. And when she looked at him and smiled, it took his breath away. She made him feel like a man of power.

Of course, she invited him back to her house for the weekend. And by the end of this weekend, he said he loved her. He was kicking himself for that now. He did love her, but she didn't need to know that. What if she was like Ashley and just used him as well? By the time he got off from work, he realized he didn't remember anything that he had worked on, and sighed. Talk about a distraction.

A Woman Never Believes in Love at First Sight (Until it happens to her.)

 Note: This is the story of the night I met Nick a.k.a. Griff. It is not meant to entertain, simply to inform.

A redhead is always trouble. They can please you in so many incredible ways.  The only problem is that in just as many devastating ways, they can break your heart.  So when he watched her walking into the bar, he was torn.

Walk out, never knowing how much trouble she could cause him, or stay, and find out if such a beautiful woman would even speak to him.  He chose the latter.   

It had been such a long day at work, and all she wanted was a nice drink to calm her nerves.  No guys for her, no way.. she'd had her fill in the past few months.  The last one, well, she just didn't even want to think of that pain right now.  She shook the images of him with the other woman out of her mind and stepped into the bar, lighting a cigarette as she sat down, grabbing a menu, and peeking at her options.   

"Hey Katie, whatcha having today?" the bartender asked.    
"Something cheap for me today, Tasha. I'm waiting on some friends to get here, and I can't afford much."

He listened to their conversation and tried to seem nonchalant.  She was even sexier up close, sitting just a few seats down from him.  It was easy to just jump right in, and he jumped in.. not even thinking about rejection.   
"Long day at work today, huh?" She glanced up at the husky voice, and was amazed at the sudden longing she felt. What the hell?   
"Yeah, you could say that." She turned back to the bartender and tried to ignore it.  She didn't believe in instant connections, and this was a bar.. not the best place to meet a guy, especially when she didn't want or need another one in her life. 

However, it wasn't long before she was no longer talking to the bartender, only to him.  When he told her where he was from, a small town called Palacios, she shook her head and realized this conversation would go nowhere.

That hell town was nothing but pain, but she smiled at the irony of it. A hot guy from a town she hated? May as well speak with him to fill her time. She still hadn't even ordered her drink, when her friends walked in.     

When she turned away from him to talk to the new people, he was disappointed.  He sure hadn't gotten very far, and his food would be arriving shortly. He'd have to leave pretty soon, and the only reason he knew her name was because the bartender had called her by it. Katie. 
Oh hell, she was already getting under his skin.. all he had to do was try to find some way to turn her attention away from those damned friends of hers and back to him.   

Then she shocked the hell out of him, by turning to him and asking him if he knew a guy named Billy Komer.  He laughed out loud in relief, and stated that yes, he knew the man. 
"Then you know Chad Boutwell, as well then?"   
"Yeah, I know him too."   
"I thought I'd seen you before.. I'm the mother of Chad's 2 year old daughter."  This was it.. the guy was going to bail and she wouldn't have to worry about getting hurt again.  She'd played the children card before.. it never failed to send the men running.  Being a single mother sometimes had its perks. 

But instead, it was her turn to be surprised, because instead of brushing her off with some kind of excuse, he slipped back into conversation with her.  When she asked him for his number, she was completely scared.  But there was something in his eyes that she hadn't seen in a while that made her feel like a woman again.. like a wanted woman.   

He had to smile when she asked for his number. Didn't this woman realize how out of his league she was?  But he quit questioning it, and told her the digits as she entered them into her cell phone. Then his food arrived and it was time for him to go.  He told her goodbye and she asked him to stay.  How could he tell her no?  He stayed until his boss called him.. and he left, hugging her before he did.   

When he touched her, she knew she was in trouble.  It felt so nice having his arms around her.  What the hell was she doing?  She barely knew this guy, but all she could think about was seeing him again.  When she sat back down next to her friends, she tried to smile but couldn't.  She couldn't get the image of his crooked smile out of her mind.  So she texted him.  If he didn't answer, she'd be safe, but if he did, she may as well try and go for it.He might hurt her, too, but damn it, for once, she was going to have her fun.   

Driving down the highway back to Palacios, he couldn't get the redhead out of his mind. Her laughter filled his thoughts, and he couldn't think of anything except what it would be like to have her laughing and being happy because of him.  When the text from her came in, he smiled to himself, whispering a silent prayer of thanks.   

"Having fun yet?" Even her texts were cute. He was getting in way over his head, this time.   
"I always do."   
"Are you going to come back after work?"   
"No, I have to drive some friends out of town. Hey, you wanna go?"   

Her heart sank. She couldn't go out of town, she had two children at home waiting for her and no babysitter. So she simply replied that she couldn't. She had children to think of.   

"Do they have carseats?"   
"Yeah."   
"Can they come too? I'd like to see you tonight."   
She had to think about it.  Her first reaction was yes, yes, YES. But she wasn't sure. After all, Palacios was a small town, and his friends would probably know her.. and it wasn't like she was a liked person in Palacios. She decided, what the hell.. if she went, and they didn't like her, and he didn't like her because they didn't like her, he was probably never worth it anyway.   
"Yeah, we'd love to go."   
"Great. I'll pick you up when I get done at work."       

She picked her girls up from the babysitters shortly after and realized she looked like hell. She'd been working all day, her makeup was gone, and she didn't have the gas to drive back home and change clothes, then come back to Bay City.  Then she thought how long the night might be, and realized her children couldn't stay out that late. 

She really wanted to see this man again, so she made a quick phone call to one of her babysitters, who stated that they couldn't do it, but they knew someone reliable and safe.  It would have to do.  She made the phone call and liked the girl, and arranged to drop them off later.

When he walked up at Walmart, her one year old child reached her arms out for him to pick her up. 
"She never does that.. she hates strangers." she whispered in awe.

Then she told him the good news.. that she had a babysitter, and she was looking forward to spending such a rare night away from the girls. She loved her children, but sometimes, a single mother has to get away.   

"Well, I don't have to drive my friends, they found a ride. You wanna do something else?" he stated in that husky voice. Oh, that voice did things to her.. and she believed she'd do anything, as long as he kept looking at her the way he was right now.   
"Yeah. I'm game for anything."    They dropped the girls off at the babysitters and he asked her what she wanted to do. They argued for a minute, her believing it was his money and he should choose.
"No, this is your night out, and you choose."
So she quickly mentioned the name of a bar she liked, and they headed there.   

By the time the night was over, she was wishing it wouldn't end. They had talked so easily, it was like they had known each other for so much longer than just a few hours. It was nice to have someone there to talk to and she realized there was no way to back down now. She just hoped he'd want to see her again. 

She took a drag off his cigarette, and he smiled.

"I believe that's my cigarette your smoking there.. that's my beer you're drinking... and I believe, this is my girl."

Then he kissed her, and she was lost, completely under his spell.  The hell with not believing in love at first sight, this man was incredible.